Big Three Automakers Get Ultimatum

Detroit, MI, December 29, 2008

On Monday, sources close to the Obama administration-elect released details of a plan to transform the auto industry. To qualify for taxpayer bailout funding, the Big Three automakers would have to agree to a reorganization plan developed by the DNC brain-trust (an obvious oxymoron).

The plan calls for GM, Ford, and Chrysler to stop production of all current automobile models and instead re-tool for entirely new replacement products. The industry will be required to standardize on only three automobiles. Each “Victory Car” will be based on an older production model but be reduced in size – somewhat shorter and narrower, and be limited in power. The name “Victory Car” was chosen to celebrate the automobile industry’s victory over taxpayers.

Each company will build a single model. Each model will be designed to address a specific volume and price point. The low price/high volume model will be manufactured by Ford. The mid-priced/medium volume model will be built by Chrysler, and the high-priced/low volume vehicle will be produced by GM.

Standardizing on only three vehicles will allow companies to reduce production costs and become more profitable.

The low-end model (internally code named the “Bean”) would be based on the 1971 Ford Pinto. Ford still has the tools and dies for the Pinto, thereby reducing costs and enabling the company to begin production quickly. Briggs and Stratton has been selected to provide engines for the new Pinto Bean.

The second new model will re-employ assembly lines that previously produced the 1973 AMC Gremlin. After buying AMC in 1987, Chrysler moved the production facilities to a Guadalajara, Mexico plant where the Gremlin is still manufactured today under the name “Coche Malo” (which loosely translated means “crappy car”).

The third model will be based on a scaled-down version of a 1950 Buick Roadmaster. Complete with the trademark four portholes and toothy grille, the low volume auto will appeal to the discriminating buyer. The original Buick’s straight-eight engine and Dynaflow transmission will be replaced by an Evinrude V-4 making sixty horsepower and a Vespa scooter transmission. An eight-track tape player will be standard equipment on the luxury model.

Since the new downsized models will be shorter and narrower than contemporary automobiles, road lanes, bridges, and parking space requirements will be reduced, giving the effect of adding roadway and parking without any expenditure (other than re-striping).

The savings in fuel usage, highway accidents, and wear on the infrastructure is estimated to amount to $8.3 Billion.

The DNC has undertaken the responsibility to distribute the savings and has awarded itself a ten-percent consulting fee ($830,000,000) for developing the innovative plan with another ten-percent share going to president-elect Obama for his organizational skills during the plan’s development. As an inducement to Congress to pass the legislation, democrat party leaders have also proposed paying a ten-percent bribe bonus to each member of Congress to recognize their creativity and unity in writing and passing the landmark legislation.

When questioned on the arithmetic of awarding ten-percent shares to 537 recipients, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi bristled at the suggestion that the plan “did not compute.” When reminded that there are only ten ten-percents in 100%, she flew into a rage, “The Republicans are just trying to confuse the public with arcane mathematics.” “That sounds like the same old George Bush fiscal mumbo-jumbo; he’s applying his trademark “fuzzy math” to scare ignorant citizens.”

Pelosi’s statement confirms that her intellectual brainpower does not exceed that of potato salad.

Jeff Foxworthy, the host of “Are You Smarter Than a 5^th Grader.” Has challenged Speaker Pelosi to come on his show and take the challenge. Vegas odds makers have established odds of 15-1 that Mrs. Pelosi will not be “smarter than a 5^th Grader.”

To test the “does not compute” theory, Pesky Truth put the question to Mrs. Krabappel’s 5^th Grade class at the Bart Simpson Talented and Gifted school. They calculated that there would be a shortfall of $437,410,000,000.

So, as is the norm in the world of democrat financial forecasts, there apparently would be a “small” discrepancy between funding and actual costs.

Speaker Pelosi concluded, “If, in the unlikely event that there is a shortfall, I would look to new sources of revenue to raise the funds necessary for a full distribution to all 537 participants.”

Ed. Note: The following is a related article, exposing some of Pelosi’s fund-raising ideas.

New Funding Sources Explored – A Tax That Stinks

Washington, D.C., January 2, 2009

Aides said that the Speaker Pelosi and Senate Leader Harry Reid already have been discussing expandifying (a Bushism) the federal tax on gasoline and adding a new luxury tax on either condoms or condominiums (the aide was unsure which). Senators Kerry and Kennedy have proposed a new environmental pollution fee for citizens caught releasing personal flatulence without first licensing offsetting flatus credits.

Sources suggest that the credits purchased to offset occasions of flatulence would be used to buy neighborhood-sized Air-Wick and Fabreeze air fresheners.

The gas penalty fee is an offshoot of one of former VP Al Gore’s creative proposals for a greener planet. The Gore proposal was based on a study showing that a fully mature, average sized human released an average of 500 ml. of flatulent gas (disbursed) during 14 events each day. The study also found that the flatus from 6.8 billion humans accounted for 3.4 Trillion liters of gas each year – a staggering (and malodorous) environmental pollutant. Thus, he proposed his “Penny a Puff” tax of one-half cent per “event.” Based on 14 events per day, the tax would cost approximately $25.55 annually for each person on the planet. Those third-world inhabitants unable to pay would be bailed out by the American taxpayer.

Feminists have vowed to demonstrate and to promote a national “Not Tonight, I Have a Headache” day to lobby for the exemption of females from the tax since women’s bodies are incapable of producing farts. Skeptical? Just ask any woman for confirmation.

Coincidentally, a single-source government contract has been awarded to a Washington, DC start-up called “Harness the Breaking Wind, LLC.”

Pesky Truth has learned that VP Gore, Senators Kerry, Kennedy, and Reid, and Speaker Pelosi are on the firm’s Board of Directors and that each owns twenty-percent of the company. The company will produce personal fart-scrubber devices that, when worn at all times, would exempt the taxpayer from the “Penny a Puff” tax.

A grassroots group has formed around Libertarian activist Pete Moss, who has formed a 501(c)(3) organization to promote a “Free the Flatus” agenda. The group believes that natural human gasses should not be confined, but should be allowed to roam unfettered in a free-range environment. Mr. Moss announced the organization’s slogan (“If You’ve Got the Smarts, Release the Farts”) at a recent press conference.